Simple Diva

Day 13 and Roses

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Tue, 21 May 2013 17:41:00 +0000

I am not sure what is happening with my face, and I think my dog is confused as well.

Top: Modcloth bought with gift certificate I got from them for doing a customer survey, Bracelets: Target, Coffee Cup: Ritual Roasters- Christmas gift from my favorite person, Jeans: GAP gifted by Christie, Shoes: Bass on sale $40ish- such quality shoes!

I took some time to enjoy the roses in bloom on my run in Golden Gate Park. They match my top, so I thought I would share. (Mostly, Grandma, I wanted you to enjoy them.)

Trade as One, Warm weather, and Sutro

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Mon, 20 May 2013 23:47:00 +0000

My Trade as One box came in today!!! Trade as One has started doing a seasonal box of organic, fair trade pantry staples and have a subscription. I am super excited about the food, for a few reasons. 1) I am not good at planning appropriately for grocery shopping. I don't do well keeping staples stocked. 2) 95% of the box is things I actually need. Rice, oats, quinoa, and beans- 5% is chocolate! I also joined the coffee club, so I get my favorite drink in the world. Plus, it came with lip balm and soap. 3) Everything in the box is helping farmers receive a fair wage- and Trade as One did all the work to be sure I was eating ethically. 4) They have a gluten free box option, so I can eat everything in my box!

JOY! They sent recipes and some information about the history of rice as well. I am excited!

Also, my box came with 4 coupons for 20% off your first box. Let me know if you are interested and I will share a coupon with you.

See the website for a list of the items in the box.

Now on to clothes:

Today has been remarkably warm, so I am going to be brave (or silly) and wear shorts out in my city. I spent most of the day in work out clothes- I was supposed to go on a 8 mile run. I ran 5 miles, but as soon as I got to Sutro Baths I had to slow down and roam the area- it is just too beautiful to not enjoy slowly. So, I walked around then walked the 5 miles home. Over all it was lovely.

Top: LOFT on sale for under $20, Shorts: LOFT gifted from Christie L (I have 3 Christies in my life and 2 of them give me clothes) Shoes: Gifted by my parents - side note on the shoes, they came with an odd story about how they were designed by a stay at home mom who wanted more comfortable shoes for chasing her kids around. I love them for roaming the city. They are Libby Edelman.

These are my two fave photos from Sutro today. I also posted them on instagram, but I didn't apply a filter to these two.

Day 7 & 8 and personal finance tool/options

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Fri, 17 May 2013 02:52:00 +0000

First: I have to admit I often wear the same clothes multiple times in one week, but usually no one notices because I see different people. Well, now that I am documenting my outfits that doesn't work.

Second (and more importantly): I set up my Mint account and my Credit Karma account today. I was super happy that a) they were both super easy it was to set up b) my credit score is good (I don't know if it is wise to tell the world I have good credit, but I do and I am excited!) c) they both gave me options for how to save money and how to improve my credit score. Overall, I am excited about my endeavor to become financially stable. If you haven't created an account I recommend you do.

Day 7

Cardigan: Taget $20, Shirt: Modcloth $27 (wore it Wednesday and Thursday- but I only wore it 4 hours on Wednesday), Pants: Target $20 bought with Gift Card from Candace 4 years ago, Shoes: Izod on sale for $14 (3 months old and I have already worn a hole in the back heal)

Day 8

Scarf: Free and I think it was gifted or I got it at a clothing swap, Necklace: hand me down from my lovely grandmother, Blazer: Target $20, Top: The LOFT $25 over 5 years ago, Jeans: Indi custom jeans, seriously you send in your measurements and they send you jeans that fit, but I think they went out of business. (You might notice that I bought 3 pairs of $200 jeans in the past few years. All of them were on sale for $80-90. I am still unsure if these were a good or bad choice. I think all three of them fit better than less expensive jeans I have bought in the past, and I am not planning to buy more jeans anytime soon.) Shoes: Ambiance sale $27

I chopped my head off in the posts, and that is unfortunate because I wore an awesome braid today.

Freebee selfie

I just posted this because like this and think it is more fun than the actual selflies, but you can't actually see the clothes.

Day 6 of clothing simplicity and Food Justice

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Wed, 15 May 2013 03:06:00 +0000

So, we are only a week in and I slacked on all of my weekend wardrobe. I will work on a recap post tomorrow.

Here is what I wore today, I had an interview so I dressed up a bit and then I had hang out time and a meeting in I was hosting in my apartment so I wore something comfy and casual.

Top: Modcloth Pam Breeze-ly Tunic $30ish, Necklace: Boutique in Austin $20, Pants: LOFT: on sale for $20, Shoes: Ambiance on sale (I wear them all the time, in fact they are the second pair I have of the same shoes)

Same outfit as above but this is how I actually wore it for the interview

Blazer: Gifted by Jenny and Purse: hand-me-down from Rachel

Sweater/long cardigan: hand-me-down from Rachel, Top: gifted by Christie, Jeans: Gilt Ernest Sewn flash sale $90 retail $200- they are my FAVORITE jeans, Shoes: Gift from mom and dad

As I have been thinking about the sources of my wardrobe I can't help but be grateful for my friends and their generosity.

Also, I ran this morning. I am training for a half marathon- I think I am going to post all my workout clothes in one post. I am going to have to be careful about workout clothes becoming my new cheat. I went into GAP and realized I love their workout collection, but do I really need to look good while I sweat?

Tomorrow I am joining a learning salon hosted by IDEX that will be focused on food justice. This is the book I am supposed to read before tomorrow at 5. I attended a lecture by the other about a year ago so I am excited about the book.

Day 2 of Clothing Simplicity

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Fri, 10 May 2013 03:12:00 +0000

Within no time of making my no clothing commitment I walked by a store I love having a sale. I am really grateful that I am doing this whole public accountability thing. I walked past the store. I didn't even go in.

So, I spent the day in doors mostly in sweets, expect when I went running. I applied for 10 jobs and even heard back from a few already. I may or may not be going out tonight, if I do I will be wearing this.

Dress: H&M $5 on final sale, Necklace: Purchased 5+ years ago at the boutique in Houston with Rachel, Boots: one of those online flash sale member only sales $90

I have decided that those are a bad idea for me (and most people). The pressure to buy fast makes me spend money before I am sure and the super low prices tempt me to buy things I don't need. Also, I fail to research the companies to verify ethical clothing practices.

Lastly, I am so very happy it accrued to me that I could take photos of the clothes before I put them on. No more selfies.

What are some spending traps you know to avoid?

Trying out the simplicity thing (AGAIN)

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Wed, 08 May 2013 21:27:00 +0000

Fun fact #1: I became unemployed in December.

Fun fact #2: I am really bad at budgeting.

Fun fact #3: I love clothes and have a substantial wardrobe.

Fun fact #4: I feel like the people I know are really generous and I have my needs met.

Fun fact #5: I have been reading some budgeting blogs and decided I need to get back in the blogging game.

Fun fact #6: I am better at things when I am accountable for them. (aka: when I blog)

Fun fact #7: I am setting a goal to not purchase any unnecessary clothing or accessories for the next year. (yep, not until May 7, 2014)

Not so fun fact: I have set this goal before and failed. So here is the idea- I am going to blog about it. Mostly by posting my outfits and other related information. Based on what I can remember about each outfit I will try to say cost, store of purchase, and how long I have had the item.

Here is todays outfit:

Necklace: handed down from my mother, Jacket: gifted from Jenny, Shirt: $10 Gap purchased at Buffalo Exchange, Bracelets: Purchased at Target in 2006; Sunglasses: $10 Buffalo Exchange, Jeans: Gap gifted to me by Christie, Shoes: Purchased at Ambiance on sale for $26

Necessary items that can be purchased are: undergarments, shoes when my current ones get holes, workout attire- but only when my current workout clothes have holes, running shoes - I will aim to borrow clothing for special events- I don't think anyone I know is going to ask me to a brides made in the next 12 months, but if it happens I will buy the dress

I am choosing my clothes as my main focus because I feel they are one of the most significant ways that I am part of exploiting the poor in the world. You will notice that I mention some brands and stores that are not amazing when it comes to their justice policies. I will try to blog about that as well.

I am also going to try to take on some other spending cuts and share them. I know I need to rethink my spending on food and entertainment.

I am being inspired by And Then We Saved, also once upon a time I read Your Money or Your Life, and I liked the $30 a Week blog when it was going.

Are any of you reading budget blogs? I would love to hear your suggestions!

So, yes I am finally crossing over into the blog world of people who post selflies - but I hope it is for a good cause.

facing my fear of missing out and what drives it

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Tue, 25 Sep 2012 07:25:00 +0000

I recently had the opportunity to participate in a ReImagine conversation on overcoming the fear of missing out. This is what I wrote.

Source: granvillehouse.blogspot.com via Allison on Pinterest

As soon as I could get a job I did. I was 15, when I got my first job as a party hostess. Being a hostess was perfect for me but it also meant that in addition to being in student council, a few honor societies, choir, voice lessons, youth group, karate, and all honors classes, I now also had a job.For the next 7 years as I transitioned from high school to college, my average schedule required that I be awake by 7 am at the latest and in bed no earlier than 1 am, but it was usually more like 6am to 2am. I wanted to do everything right, get into a good college and change the world.

My senior year of college I became sick in the middle of the night, somehow whatever was wrong with my stomach made me stop breathing. I had time to go to the doctor 3 days later. Needless to say he was rather perturbed that I had stopped breathing, but hadn't bothered to come in for three days. He asked about my life and schedule, eating habits and caffeine intake. Then determined that I was stressed, not only stressed but I was making myself very ill. After a few more questions it was revealed that my heath overall was not ideal. How could it be? I averaged 5 hours of sleep a night and lived off caffeine.

You would think that a doctor lecturing you on your health would make you change your habits. I tried. When I started seminary the following fall I was determined to only focus on school and work. No extra curricular commitments. That lasted about a month before I became terribly bored and lonely. Plus, being a full-time waitress and full-time graduate student doesn't exactly reduce your stress. So, the cycle began again. At least this time I was making it to my doctor's appointments.

Still, I wasn't getting much sleep and I was rushing around constantly, and to make matters worse I felt guilty for all the ways I wasn't doing enough. I remember often waking up to my messy room and thinking “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” so shouldn't I have time to clean this room? I know that verse had more to do with loving people and meeting the needs of others, but for me it was a reminder that I wasn't perfect.

Luckily, I was able to get a new job my second year in seminary. Being a chaplin was a better fit in that it didn't require running around taking orders, but it did require that I be available for freshman girls at all hours of the day and night. As my health wasn't improving the doctors recommended therapy, which I wasn’t excited about because I didn't want to admit that I had white girl problems. I felt spoiled sitting there talking about myself. But I wanted to figure out what was wrong with me (spoiler alert: I had ciliac, which is an actual medical diagnosis, the doctors were just too distracted by my stress level to notice I had a medical condition not a psychological one).

About 6 months into therapy my therapist asked when I became so busy. I responded that it was when I was 15, and therefore it was the only way I knew how to live. She probed about my life at home during those years, and I informed her that my parents thought I was rebellious and that getting a job created the freedom I needed to have my own life. She pointed out that 9 years later I didn't need to prove to my parents that I was independent, and in fact I had done a decent job proving it to everyone. So, we had one of those therapy moments you see in TV movies, where I cried but didn't change.

My identity was wrapped up in being good at everything and to be good at everything you have to do everything. I had good grades, a great job, a decent car, a cute apartment, a fun social life, I traveled and had done a decent amount of volunteer work. I was on leadership at church. I was doing everything I was supposed to do, and simply couldn't see what I could give up. So, I kept going, barely sleeping, and chasing every good thing I could find.

During my last semester of school I moved to San Francisco. My first year here, I had my unpaid internship, the last of my school work, and two jobs, but in an attempt to pursue simplicity I didn't run myself as ragged as I had for many of the years prior.I managed this by picking a small group of people to be friends with and really only hanging out with them, over time their lives and mine changed and I needed more friends.

My third year, I had a dramatic shift in my friendships and faith community. In a desperate attempt to fain independence and prove that I was happy I completely gave into my fear of missing out. Starting around my 28th birthday I was out nearly every night of the week, embracing every fun adventure this city had to offer. I had a great time. I am so grateful that I let myself be the hot mess I was that year. I learned a lot about myself, my friends, and my city. At the end of that year, I learned that a) I will never overcome my fear of missing out, I will probably always be a tad overbooked in pursuit of the next best thing for me b) my identity is based in who I am not what I do, but I am not sure I can separate those two things.

I have decided that I like having a full schedule and it’s ok when that schedule is full of volunteering and personal growth commitments, more than when it is packed with parties. I would love to say that my desire to spend at least one night a week at home is a result of a sense of identity independent of activity… but actually it’s due to my developed value of sleep. I also feel pretty settled when it comes to friends; I have some of the best, and they live all over the world. I am still terrified that I am not working hard enough to pursue a career worthy of my skills and that may have me running the risk of damaging other significant relationships.

What I have figured out is this: Being busy does not equate to being a good person or a bad person. Doing good for the world, and not being their for the people in your everyday life, doesn’t equate to loving your neighbor as yourself: your friends and family are your neighbors, along with the least of these. Being too busy isn’t healthy. It took the doctors over 5 years to figure out a medical diagnosis largely because my lifestyle alone was enough to make a person ill. Being chaotically busy doesn't leave space for God and stillness with God is really helpful when you are trying to figure out how to be the person God created you to be. I was recently reading On The Incarnation, and I loved how St Athanasius explains the need for Jesus. The short of it is: we were created in the image of God and we forgot who God was and therefore forgot ourselves. Uncontrolled and chaotic business makes me forgetful, I forget who God is and therefore forget myself.

Even with all of that, I want to be clear that I am talking about uncontrolled and chaotic business. I am a person with insane amounts of energy: I like that about myself. I just want to be mindful of how I live that out and what is motivating me. Busy in it of itself is not good or bad, it just is.

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Sun, 26 Aug 2012 07:00:00 +0000

Source: media.tumblr.com via Christopher on Pinterest

"You know I often think I am adventurous, and then I hear stories like that one..." she says with awe, hearing another story of another young man, who got on a bus for San Francisco. He was just 17, he had lost his home, and he was an orphan.

I often write of my need to travel, my longing for adventure, my urge to go. I move, I roam, I journey out of restlessness in my soul, longing to soak up every tiny bit of life. Still, there are so many that move, that roam, that journey with literal hunger. My metaphors are shallow in the wake of their actual need. I roam searching for a place my heart can call home and they move searching for a roof, a chance, a meal with another meal to follow.

I am humbled by their bravery, while the city I live in creates laws to prevent them from sleeping in the doorways and loitering the streets. I hope to never loose sight of the liberty I have to travel and the urgency of their displacement. I hope that I always chose to have a place for the alien in my midst. I hope I am forever grateful that my life has offered me freedom, and I hope am alway generous with that gift.

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Thu, 23 Aug 2012 06:51:00 +0000

Source: abduzeedo.com via Katy on Pinterest

I have been desperate to travel lately. I opted out of an international trip this year and opted for Austin and some time with family instead. I have to say it was worth it. I am so grateful for the simplicity of home and familiarity, especially as I live my life in a city that continues, after 4 years, to fill me with wonder at every turn. Still, I am not sure if my heart and my feet have found each other lately.

The in-between

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Thu, 31 May 2012 08:08:00 +0000

I posted a mildly controversial cartoon on my Facebook today and got the response I expected. Posting it was more of an act of courage than you might think. Up to this point have preferred to keep my Facebook and blog politically neutral on certain issues, mostly the pro-life issue, to be exact.

From the time I was little, I knew that my family (and therefore I) was pro-life. In high school I often taught youth group at church on the night when we talked about how abortion was a sin. I knew all kinds of statistics on why it should be illegal and what harm it does to both the mother and child (obviously the child, because the child is being aborted). Mostly, I talked about how it was a sin and it was murder. We also talked about how this would only be an issue if you are already sinning by having sex when you don't want children, but that is another blog post.

Still, somehow one day my senior year, a girl that had been in the same elective as me every semester for 3 years missed class. When I asked her why she looked at me and said she had an abortion the day before. She confessed that she didn't know why she told me, but she had to tell someone and she knew I wouldn't judge her. She also said she knew I was a Christian and asked me to pray for her. I was surprised, because I honestly didn't judge her. I always had thought it was such an awful sin and anyone who would do it was obviously selfish; I didn't think that about her. I was simply shocked that she had made that choice the day before and we never talked about it again, but I did pray for her.

All through college I continued to be pro-life without thinking about it very much. The only time it came up was when I confessed I didn't vote for Bush; people asked me how I could vote for baby-killing democrats. I responded that I didn't feel like Bush did anything about abortion; therefore, it wasn't a reason to vote for him.

I finally started thinking about it again my second year of seminary. If I had a map of the Baylor campus in front of me I could point to where I was when my friend Chris looked at me and said most pro-lifers are pro-birth. I had never thought about it that way, but it made perfect sense. For the first time I started wrestling with my thoughts on the issue on a grander scale.

I had a few more really intense conversations on the subject, and again I can tell you where I was sitting for most of them. Changing my stance on the issue wasn't easy, and when I realized I had changed my mind I went silent.

Today, I chose not to be silent. I chose to share the cartoon, not because I wanted conservative friends to be offended. I shared the post because I do feel that we have lost sight of what it means to be pro-life, and I have no desire to be pro-birth. I want society to change in a way that makes it possible for 17 year old girls to have their babies knowing that they are loved and supported by everyone around them. (I don't think it is a good idea for 17 year olds to have babies, but I think it is a worse idea to scar them for life by making them choose between being judged as sluts, raising a child they are not prepared to raise, or having an abortion. They need a fourth option.) I want women to feel that they have a better option. I want society to be set up to take women and babies and children in, I want us to raise children that were unplanned, and I want those children to experience love, I want those children to be provided for, and I want mothers to have the help they need to provide for those children. I want the same for fathers.

To be clear, if a woman chooses an abortion as a form of birth control (sadly, I have met women who have) I think she is wrong. I do not support her right to choose. However, for all other women, for most women, who wrestle with this issue, I am heartbroken that the world is not a place where they can feel the freedom to bring life into this world knowing that their child will be cared for and loved. I am heartbroken that they are afraid they will not be cared for and loved. I am heartbroken that the systems these children will be born into are designed to keep them poor, disenfranchised, and neglected. Until this changes and I see a political party that is willing to take on the systematic evil that oppresses so much of our society, I am heartbroken to admit: I am no longer politically pro-life. I am also not pro-choice. I am instead stuck in the in-between, frustrated, and searching for hope, but I am not in despair. I believe that there are people both Christian and not, that are willing to offer these women the hope and provision they need. More people like them need to be willing to take a stand.

I confess that my silence has not helped the issue, and my cartoon post was probably more polarizing than helpful. I just didn't want to be silent anymore.

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Wed, 30 May 2012 06:56:00 +0000

"play shapes our brain, helps us foster empathy, helps us navigate complex social groups, and is at the core of creativity and innovation." Gifts of Imperfection p 100

Source: thatshappy.blogspot.com via KatelynRutledge on Pinterest

My name is Sarah Montoya, and I am a hipster.

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Thu, 24 May 2012 05:56:00 +0000

Watch this and you will understand.

Important clarification: I do not have a trust fund. I am aware of my discontent with the way things are as the root of my nostalgia.

Stories of Shame

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Fri, 18 May 2012 06:31:00 +0000

Image found on pinterst

I was recently asked to share a story of reconciliation in my life. I answered that yes, like most of us, I have so many stories of relationships that have been mended, but I just don't know how to tell those stories in a way that honors the other people. I stated that I am just not sure how I can share those stories without bringing up accusations toward people who have done me wrong, but I have forgiven. It just doesn't seem fair to them. I mean, I shouldn't share anything that might make them look bad, right? And, obviously, I am just too selfless of a person to call them out in pubic and embarrass them.

A few minutes after this conversation the I came to the painfully embarrassing realization about why I have a hard time thinking of a story of reconciliation I would be willing to share with a room of 50 people. I don't want embarrass me. You would think I would have recognized who I was protecting much earlier in the process, but it was about 10 minutes after I hung up the phone that I realized I didn't want to talk about my stories of reconciliation, because I didn't want to talk about my own moments of humiliation.

I don't want to be exposed. I don't want to be perceived as the type of person that is weak enough to be mistreated, abused, cheated on, lied to, mocked, judged, or even just hurt. I want to be seen as fearless, strong, capable, lovable, desirable. I don't want to share the stories of people who have hurt me and how we have forgiven each other, because I don't want anyone to think of me as wounded, broken, or even healing.

I want to be seen as perfect. I want to be perceived as someone who is so lovable that no one would want to hurt me, ever, and therefore I have no stories of betrayal. I want people to believe have no stories of neglect or rejection, because no one would dream to devalue me.

A few weeks ago I stared reading The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brene Brown. She researched shame and with that vulnerability, authenticity and wholeheartedness. I have linked her TED talks before, and I love them.

At some point in the book or video Brown states that courage is telling your story with your whole heart and her book is set up to invite people into wholehearted living.

Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done, and how much is left undone, I am enough... (pg 1)

At first glance, this can sound very self centered, at least to me. Still, one amazing thing I have realized about forgiveness and reconciliation is that it requires compassion, for everyone, including myself. I have to believe I am enough, in order to believe others are enough, and to offer them compassion. "Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It is a relationship between equals." ( pg 16) Furthermore, if I hide the wrong that has been done, I create walls that prevent it from being undone/healed. Instead I create space for shame to take over. "Shame needs three things to grow out of control in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment." (pg 40)

So, here is the truth: I am still in process of forgiving; I have been unloved, betrayed, and wounded; I am worthy of more, and so are the people who hurt me; I desire to be unashamed of how I have been treated, and I am working to live in way that allows me to be unashamed of how I have responded.

I am still unsure of what story I will share. I am still wrestling with the shame I feel about ever having allowed anyone to hurt me. Nonetheless, I will at least admit who it is I am hoping to protect, and I will work to recognize that this same protection might be the thing that is preventing me from fully living into forgiveness.

People don't get married in California.

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Mon, 14 May 2012 20:17:00 +0000

In recent months I have been joking with my friends that I need to move back to TX, in order to get married because people don't get married in CA. This map has proved my point.

Now to decide do I want mountains, oceans, amazing hiking trails, cool weather, amazing culture, and fabulous San Francisco living more or less than I want a hubby?

Comparison

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Wed, 09 May 2012 06:35:00 +0000

Source: want-to-remember-this.tumblr.com via Jenna on Pinterest

Riding my bike through the panhandle the other day I looked up and saw a woman in an adorable vintage dress ride past me. My immediate thought was, "I need a floral vintage dress! She is so cute on her adorable bike, in her adorable dress, and all I have on is a striped (vintage) dress and that isn't as awesome as a FLORAL vintage dress, and my bike only has a metal basket and hers is woven, and clearly I NEED a floral vintage dress, because I don't have one, maybe I do have one, but not one with a dark background. Why is she cuter than me?!"

Yes, most of that really did happen in my head: I had a jealous freak out that another women, who I will likely never speak to, looked cuter than me, at least in my mind, for the 5 seconds I saw her, I think she probably, looked cuter than me.

I like to believe I am a rational person. So, how does a rational woman justify that inner dialog? I think it comes from the mistaken impression that life is a competition, and my goal is to be better than everyone around me at everything. By everything I do mean everything, even my flaws need to be better than everyone else's. I don't think I am alone in this. I have countless conversations with loving and kind, well meaning people, who at one point or another are trying to prove to me, and everyone around them, that they are in fact best/worst at whatever is being discussed. We all seem to find identity in this competition, and in this competition we are all loosing it; not simply loosing the competition, but our own sanity.

It seems that in order to win the competition we find our thing that we feel is ours and we run with it. Sadly, no matter what it is we choose, our winning thing is often very fragile. My thing is my style and the way I ride around on a cute pale blue mixie. So, when I looked up an saw another woman looking cuter than me, I had lost the competition for the day. 9:00 am is way too early in the day to loose. So, I had a spaz moment in my head. Not because she actually looked cuter than me, but because compared to her, I had lost, and therefore my identity for the day was declared less.

Comparison kills joy, and it kills identity. Here is the shockingly bad news: none of us are the best person ever at anything, and we never will be. We are also not the worst, our life is not tragically harder or worse than everyone else's ever. Someone will be cuter, smarter, more stylish, and generally more awesome than you at something, or going through a harder crisis. You can deal with this in one of two ways: be jealous of their awesomeness or celebrate it; compete with their pain or grieve with them.

I wish that I had seen that woman that day and appreciated her style. Thought to myself "wow, that was a great dress" and stopped there. Simply celebrated her beauty instead of being jealous of it. I wish that every time some shared something hard, I offered genuine empathy. I am making a goal of both of these things. I know it will take some work. It will require that I remember that someone else's success does not imply my failure: I will need to learn that my identity is not found in comparison to others; I will have to take time to be grateful for the things I have; and I will need to face my own pain so that I can sit with others in theirs. I am pretty sure if I do these things I will loose fewer nonexistent competitions at 9 am, and that sounds like better idea than buying another vintage dress.

Jaclyn's Bachlorette Is This Weekend

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Fri, 04 May 2012 22:28:00 +0000

Source: imagemacros.wordpress.com via Lenee' on Pinterest

I am off to the Russian River and so thrilled for a weekend with friends in nature. Joy to my soul! Let the shenanigans begin!

Worthy?

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 15:16:00 +0000

I had been in therapy for over a year when my therapist looked at me and told me I was worthy of love, and that God loved me. The words choked me with discomfort and disbelief, tears welled in my eyes and my emotions where so overwhelming I wanted to leave the room. I was in seminary, I had decided to be a Christian when I was 4, based off the belief that God loved me, I decided again when I was 13, and again when I was 18. I had pretty much decided that responding to God's love was the most important thing in my life, and I had decided it 3 times. These words shouldn't have been hard to hear. I was a chaplain. I told crying girls that God loved them nearly every day. Still, I choked on the words, my eyes welled with tears and I became uncomfortable. I didn't believe I was worthy of love and it felt uncomfortable. I wasn't sure I even wanted it. She repeated these words a few times, and I tried to let them sink in 'I am worthy of love.'

Maybe it is the 4 years I have spent in therapy, the many books/articles I read on self worth or good/bed theology, but while I was once uncomfortable with the idea that I was worthy, I now become uncomfortable when I hear Christians state that we are unworthy of God's love. I have a hard time because for most of my life I would have agreed with them completely, and I can rattle off about a billion Bible verses that would back up the argument.

When Job questions God, God does a pretty good job letting him know he is small, but still the fact that God is speaking to him at all is a pretty huge statement that God thinks his complaint even warrants a response. David goes to God with the question of 'who am I... that you have brought us this far". David is a man after God's own heart; I am pretty sure that despite his HUGE mistakes, his attitude toward God is generally one I should aspire to imitate. Most of the book of Romans does a pretty good job establishing that as humans we are small. The entire Bible is rampant with sin and shame and terrible choices by humanity, and I am in no way superior to my fellow humans. I could go one for a while making an argument to prove that humanity is unworthy of God's love, but I am still somehow very uncomfortable with the idea.

I guess the conundrum for me is that, I want to say, above all, I believe the Bible is the source of truth, and I believe that the Bible is consistent in its overall message, and I feel that part of overall message is that humanity is loved, and simply by God's choosing to do it we are made worthy of it. I don't think I deserve forgiveness, or that I deserve to have God take on flesh and live and die and be resurrected for me, but I believe that for some reason or another God did deem us worthy of love.

If God has deemed us worthy who are we to disagree with God?

See people

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 07:20:00 +0000

Earlier this week I was on the bus and took my seat near the back. I noticed the man sitting alone in the back row, clearly already drinking despite the fact it was 10 am, but also clearly so far into his alcoholism that his functioning while drunk was pretty high. He was polite and quiet.

He noticed that I noticed him, so I said hello. He seemed surprised that I greeted him, but grateful.

I had planned to read on the bus, so I did. My reading clearly communicated that I wasn't planning to chat, and with that our interaction ended, that is until I got to my stop. As I was getting up to leave he asked if the next stop was the stop was Mission. There were multiple people closer to him, and they were all silent. He wasn't talking to me, he was talking to anyone that would listen, and they were all silent.

Silent. Unwilling to see or hear the man next to them as he asked a simple question.

I turned around and informed him that yes the next stop was Mission. His expression of gratitude was much greater than I deserved, and I am sure it came not from being glad I could offer him direction, but from the fact I was willing to see him.

As I have lived in this city for over 4 years and even as I lived in Dallas, Waco and Mobile, I have seen that one of the saddest elements of poverty is that those of us that are not poor often refuse to see. We look past and are unwilling to hear people.

I will acknowledge that I have been cursed at by many people for not giving them money- but much, much more often, when I look at someone and answer their question, even when my answer is no, they stop and are grateful to be seen.

This past week in context group we were discussing the story of Hagar. She is a slave and yet she is one of the few women in the Bible referred to by name. She is slave and yet when she flees in desperation she is seen by God and that seeing is significant. It is so significant that it is recorded as part of the narrative that gives us a framework for the covenant and the work of God through Abraham.

Furthermore, in response to being seen by God Hagar names God. She gives God a name because God sees her and that name is recorded. This is kind of shocking because as I mentioned twice already she is a slave and slaves don't get to name things, let alone name God. Nonetheless, God sees fit to allow this and to even bless her off spring, because God sees her.

God, the Creator, who has created a covenant with Abram and Sarai, not Hagar, sees a Hagar, despite the fact that she is a slave: a social nobody: the equivalent of a homeless man on a bus.

If God is willing to take the time to see a slave girl that has been discarded and we feel that we are called to follow after God, I feel like maybe we should take more time to see people.

That kind of writer

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 06:08:00 +0000

"To be a good writer, you not only have to write a great deal but you have to care. You do not have to have a complicated moral philosophy. But a writer always tries, I think, to be a part of the solution, to understand a little about life and to pass this on." ~Anne Lamott~ Bird by Bird

I had the joy of hearing Anne Lamott speak last night. As she spoke I realized why I loved her and so many other authors like her: authors know themselves and are deeply vulnerable without asking us to take their burden. We get to laugh with them as they laugh at themselves, because they know themselves so well and love themselves so well, they can mock their flaws without belittling their own person. It is a level of love that comes only from being deeply vulnerable and honest with who they are.

I long to be that kind of writer and speaker, deeply honest about who I am and all my faults and sharing them with others not to sooth my own ego, but to say it is okay, I get it, I know that half the time you are laughing with me it is the knowing laughter of a fellow control freak and wanna be perfectionist, and having that solidarity makes life so much easier. Until I become that kind of writer, I am simply going to have to keep reading and listening and believing I will get there someday.

Side note I just got The Gifts of Imperfection in the mail. There will be a review soon.

Some Really Basic Good Advice

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 04:30:00 +0000

Source: thechive.com via Jackie on Pinterest

Easter

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 06:19:00 +0000

Easter is one of my absolute favorite holidays, because of all of the deeply beautiful things it reminds me of. God became human. Our creator took on skin; skin that gets broken and bruised and dry and bloody, and God did all of that for us. God already knew grief and pain and rejection, but we couldn’t see that. We didn’t have the eyes required to understand God’s pain as he watched us hurt ourselves and live in disobedience; and because we couldn’t see, God chose to walk around among us, showing us how to be who we were created to be.

God took on flesh to live love, and lived love to the point of ultimate sacrifice. God took on physical pain, brutal betrayal, and total rejection. In doing that God joined us in our suffering in a way that we could understand, even as his his pain is still even greater than we can understand, and God did so in a way that challenges all of our views on what a savior ought to look like.

Than after the bloody mess of the cross God showed us what is possible. God showed us redemption in the form of resurrection. God showed us that even the worst pain can be made right, even the worst rejection can be healed, and in all this, God loves, even as we fail to love.

Celebrating Easter reminds me that God not only understands the pain of being human but has chosen to live in that pain and redeem us through it. These simple truths are often easy to forget and nonetheless the basics of faith.

* I originally wrote this for my church newsletter.

If you would like some additional interesting reading for Easter thoughts, I enjoyed Rachel Held Evens blog posts on the women of the Passion, 1, 2, 3, 4

Good Friday Prayer by Henri Nouwen

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 23:44:00 +0000

Source: bit.ly via Catrina on Pinterest

We closed our Good Friday service with this prayer and it moved my heart. I hope it also moves yours.

Dear Lord Jesus,

You, “the image of the unseen God, the first-born of all creation, for whom all things are created in heaven and on earth, everything visible and everything invisible,” you hang dead on a cross. You have just spoken your last words, “It is fulfilled,” and given up your spirit.

*****

I look at your dead body on the cross. The soldiers, who have broken the legs of the two men crucified with you, do not break your legs, but one of them pierces your side with a lance, and immediately blood and water flow out. Your heart is broken, the heart that did not know hatred, revenge, resentment, jealousy or envy but only love, love so deep and so wide that it embraces your Father in heaven as well as all humanity in time and space. Your broken heart is the source of my salvation, the foundation of my hope, the cause of my love. It is the sacred place where all that was, is and ever shall be is held in unity. There all suffering has been suffered, all anguish lived, all loneliness endured, all abandonment felt and all agony cried out. There, human and divine love have kissed, and there God and all men and women of history are reconciled. All the tears of the human race have been cried there, all pain understood and all despair touched. Together with all people of all times, I look up to you whom they have pierced, and I gradually come to know what it means to be part of your body and your blood, what it means to be human.

*****

As I look, my eyes begin to recognize the anguish and agony of all the people for whom you gave yourself. Your broken heart becomes the heart of all of humanity, the heart of all the world. You carry them all: abandoned children, rejected wives and husbands, broken families, the homeless, refugees, prisoners, the maimed and tortured, and the thousands, yes millions, who are unloved, forgotten and left alone to die. I see their emaciated bodies, their despairing faces, their anguished looks. I see them all there, where your body is pierced and your heart is ripped apart. O compassionate Lord, your heart is broken because of all the love that is not given or received.

*****

Blood and water flowed from your broken heart. Lord Jesus, help me to understand this mystery. So much blood has flowed through the centuries: blood of people who did not even know why they were trampled underfoot, mutilated, tortured, slain, beheaded and left unburied; blood caused by swords, arrows, guns and bombs, tainting the faces of millions of people; blood that comes forth from angry, bitter, jealous, vengeful hearts, and from hearts that are set on hatred, violence and destruction. From the blood of Abel killed by his brother to the blood of the Jews, the Armenians, the Ukrainians, the Irish, the Iranians and Iraqis, the Palestinians, the South Africans and the countless nations and ethnic groups victimized by the evil intentions of their sisters and brothers in the human race, blood has been covering the earth, and cries have gone up to heaven: “My God, my God, why have you forsaken us?”

*****

Let the blood and water that flow from your heart give me a new heart to live a new life. I know that in this world water and blood will never be separated. There will be peace and anguish, joy and tears, love and agony. They will be there always—together—leading me daily closer to you who give your heart to my heart.

Hungry for Change - Reflections on Day 1 & 2

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 03:24:00 +0000

Monday morning, I woke up to heat the beans I needed for my Trade as One Hungry for Change Challenge I am participating in along side 200 people from City Church. I was a day late starting and I had procrastinated too late on Sunday night to get it done, so at 6 am my alarm went off and by 7 I finally drug myself out of bed to my stove to turn the burner on for the beans I soaked over night.

I will confess I grumbled and felt sorry for myself. Poor me. I had to wake up early, and I am not going to eat a full meal until Thursday evening Seder. Nothing but oatmeal, beans, rice, water, and tea for 4 days (like I said I started a day late).

Grumbling over rolling out of my epically comfortable bed to turn on a burner, then immediately climbing back onto my memory foam mattress, I was clearly not thinking about the women and children who walk miles to get water, then create a fire in hopes that they can boil away anything in their water that will kill them or at minimum make them severely ill.

As I am coming to the end of day 2 I am aware of how much I take for granted. Hot water has been my saving grace every time my tummy pleads for more food; hot, clean, easy to access WATER.

Somehow the first time I walked over to the stove to heat up water at my work that reality hit me, and each time since I have been challenged by the fact that although this challenge is intense, it is still so much easier than the realities of half the world. Water is hard to come by and clean safe water even harder.

How is it that I have so much, when the world has so little?

How is it that the hardest work I have to do for 1000 calories is clean up the water that overflowed while I snuck back into bed? And more importantly what am I going to do about it?

I will say, by way of shameless plug: I am excited that Do Good Lab (a non-profit I volunteer with) is raising funds to help projects in the developing world.

I will also say that even with this there has to be more to be done. There has to be a better way for us to live. God created this world with enough resources for everyone. I need to learn the art of taking only my fair share.

Also, if you are interested in a more spiritual take on the challenge please read my roommates reflection on the City Church blog.

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 06:44:00 +0000

I have decided that this book might be one of the bravest books I have ever read.

I came to this conclusion as I deleted about 10 posts I attempted to write addressing my own experience of grief.

As I have been busily marking off tasks on my to do lists and writing self-indulgent posts, I have also been grieving and at times running away from the experience of grieving.

So, tonight I leave you with this quote and book recommendation.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
- C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Smarty Pants

noreply@blogger.com (Simple Diva) — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 04:59:00 +0000

Source: someecards.com via Sherri on Pinterest

I am pretty sure I have known everything there is to know about the Bible since I was like 5. No, really no one has ever needed to teach me anything, because I know it all. Every youth minister, and pastor, and Sunday school teacher I have ever had can attest to my knowledge.

Or total lack there of. (Proof that I didn't real know everything: In 12th grade I thought that Calvinism had died with the pilgrims. I told my youth minister that. He was a Calvinist. Oops!)

Growing up, I was that kid in church and as an adult I am that woman in church: the one who knows everything. Even worse, I am now armed with an MDiv to prove it.

Seminary should have broken me of this: as the main thing I was confident of upon graduation was that there was so much more I needed to learn. Still, there are some lessons that are just too easy to forget.

Recently, I started taking the Eucharist University Class at my church (aka- Bible study on crack, in which we are given geography quizzes!) Armed with my MDiv I should be doing fine, but I am behind in my reading and realizing with each reading assignment how much I don't know/don't remember. (My professors at Treutt where pretty awesome, so I am more than confident they taught me this stuff: I just don't remember it.)

I am writing this out not simply as another confession on a now very confession oriented blog- but to say what I am learning about my arrogance as I observe it.

It makes me silent with fear of being exposed as a fraud, and lazy when I should dig deeper and ask more questions.
It makes me feel superior to people and therefore prevents me from learning from them, loving them, and serving them.
Most significantly it prevents me from living in the way of Jesus and following his example.

When Jesus was 12 he went to the Great City for the Great Feast and his parents left him there. When they returned they didn't find him scared and hiding or even playing. They found him in his Father's House with the teachers. He was listening to them and asking them questions! (Luke 2) If Jesus, the Son of God who gave the scriptures to us, can see the need to spend his time learning and growing in wisdom and knowledge I am pretty sure I should rethink the smarty pants act.

Even more as I look to Holy Week next week I should remember what real humility looks like. It looks like that same child 21 years later willing to take on the ultimate shame of the cross. Jesus taught with wisdom and truth that changed peoples lives. His knowledge of the Law was perfect. Even armed with more knowledge than I will ever posses: he didn't feel the need to prove himself, instead he gave himself.

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.~Philippians 2:3-11