Grace

(this post is very old, but went unpublished until now)

I sat on the phone silent tears filling my eyes- "of course you can put your loans in deferment, how long have you been working under 30 hours?" He said it with so much compassion I could hardly breath, the weight of grace over took me.

Hearing the person who deals with my school loans reassure me that this was my best choice; it was even financially wiser then paying a lower consolidated amount; the abundance of grace was more than I wanted to bear. I cried.

I cried because even with a terrible economy and an 11% unemployment rate in CA, I want to be able to say 'I did it on my own.' 'I saved myself.' 'I took care of myself.'

I accepted the help with gratitude. I left the living room before my roommates saw the tears in my eyes- my bedroom door closed behind me, I sobbed silently in solitude. I crumpled into a huddle on the floor and felt God gently holding me and softly letting me know that I was not going to make it on my own, but I was going to make it.

I have grown to dislike the metaphor of debt in relation to God's grace; still, in this moment I felt the power of debt deferment (not even forgiveness) and the power of the gift was more than my heart wanted to hold. In that moment I felt God whispering gently this is grace: forgiveness of debt, without judgment. Pleading with me softly accept the grace given to me, God urged me to know that I don't have to be this strong and My Creator will not stop loving me.

I am sharing this knowing that it has never in my life been acceptable to not pay your debts. Unemployment has always been an unforgivable idea in my mind. I am sure that some readers will judge me for this. I am also sending out a prayer that someone else who is as overwhelmed as I am will know that you are not in this alone. I urge you allow God to hold you.

*I wrote this post almost 8 months ago. I saved the draft planning to share it when it would hurt less for the world to read about the struggle I was in. I think I had planned on posting it within weeks; I was not planning to wait months. Nonetheless, starting my full-time job next week, I am feeling less vulnerable. I must confess that the drama I felt was definitely a sign of my stubbornness and pride. At that point I still had housing and through it all, I was better off than 75% of the world that would see my life as luxurious. Still, as was promised by God, I got through, and I didn't do it on my own.

"I just got myself a new hair do that's all"

ramblings on chopping off my hair, Audry, beauty, and romance




Over Christmas I chopped off my hair - for the fourth time.

Each time I was growing more into my self, or asserting that I had completed a growing process; each time I was either in a season of chaos or I had just completed one; each time the 'perfect' look of long healthy hair seemed an ill fit the reality of being me.


The odd thing is I love my long hair. I really, really do. I am kind of blessed with perfect hair. I know that sounds conceited but it is true, my long hair is gorgeous! My natural hair color is envied by many, and my hair does pretty much whatever I want it to. It is shiny without me doing anything to make it that way. When I see old pictures of it I miss it terribly, but it isn't me. In fact my friend Maggie gave me my favorite compliment about my short hair this past Sunday when she looked at me and said "it looks like you."

Ironically, I think that might also be the hardest part; it looks like me. Really short hair has a thing about it that can't really be explained (really long hair has the same, but different effect). Short hair is no nonsense. When I don't like it there is nothing I can do about it. It isn't gracious. It is blunt, and honest, and low-maintenance in a way that says I have better things to do. Short hair is sassy and playful, but it's game is more like a dare than an invitation.

I find it curious that hair reveals so much of the mystery of who a woman is. In younger years long hair felt like naivete, now it feels like pretense.

Short hair is Audry in Sabrina, long hair is Audry in Breakfast at Tiffany's. If you haven't seen these movies: Sabrina is bold, she has strength and dignity. She went to Paris to find herself. Holly is a fragile and crazy mess, her perfect style and adventurous spirit are a facade disguising fact that she really is just waiting on someone to rescue her.

I already miss my long hair. I grew it back after the first two times I chopped it because long hair is beautiful and I want to be beautiful, but every few years I start to feel that for me that beauty is pretense. In my heart of hearts I am Holly Golightly (minus the escort part). I am scattered and fun, chasing adventure, trying all things new, carefree, and deeply passionate. Nonetheless, I am aiming to be Sabrina, full of confidence and direction, with no question about what I want, where I am going and what I am willing to do to get there, fabulously classy, elegant, and daring. I don't want to end up with the playboy at the end of the movie, I don't want to be rescued, I want the man that will get on a boat for me, I want to be the woman that inspires a man to be more than he is without me. I want to walk away and be followed, scratch that, I want a man that will give me a reason to stay.


I dare you.

Birdhouses

as most of my friends know I have a thing for birdcages of the antique variety. I mean I really do love them and I am powerfully drawn to them. I know they are super trendy right now and I am always into the latest trend so this can't be too shocking. the thing is I love them for what they represent as empty cages. I love them for open doors and bent bars, and broken perches, I love them for the escape they represent, I like the day dream of the bird that was brave enough to fly away.

funny thing is I woke up this morning thinking of the beauty of birdhouses, and I think I love them for all the ways they stand in opposition to a cage, they are hospitality, designed with the clear intention that no bird will ever be forced to stay, but instead the house can be a stop along the way, a resting place in a tiring journey, a place to gather food, or hide from a turbulent storm, hanging high in branches a birdhouse is a welcome oasis, a place of security often much needed in a life of freedom.

there have been three times in my adventurous and freedom filled life that I have simply not had housing for various reasons, I am a bit of a vagabond and sometimes between travel, rent, school, and employment it is hard to find a resting place, over the years I have had amazing friends and family and they have offered me security in the chaos, without ever attempting to clip my wings, and for them I am grateful

So this post is for you Uncle Wayne, Aunt Karen, Tihara, Julie, Chris & Christine, Scott & Ning, Melanie, and Leah you have been my birdhouses and lest I forget this is for my Creator (Luke 12:24) who provides for even the raven and will always provide for me.

The picture below is of a stain glass birdhouse my grandmother made for me, and I love it!

Bark

I am part of a women's night that happens once every 6 weeks and it is good for my soul. I have posted pics from it on my facebook in the past, but tonight I will post a poem. We had a writing prompt of one word and ten minutes. My word was bark. Here is what come of it:

Bark

pealing back
piece by piece the winter wood exposed
fresh and broken,
weak from the cold wind
curling, pulling, flaking
the harsh exterior of protection
wasting away
rough and strong but dying slowly
the ground frozen below snow yet to fall this year
refusing to nourish a heart that is broken beyond its years
layers falling away
the spring will come
the land will live
this drought is not here but just a day
A day to stand alone and longing for protection I once was
I am falling to pieces here alive in the promise
exposed to the present
unprotected
unguarded
undone

Lunch Break

It is my lunch break at work and I am reading old posts. reading them in hopes that I posted an old poem on here... hopes dashed, I did not post it. still, hope renewed, as I read all the way back to the beginning of 2008 I see that God has done so much in me over these past two years. I wrote much less in 2009 than I would have hoped, and as I have stated before it was because much of what I was feeling was too personal to share in writing for the world to see, but still God I wish I had been faithful and I wish that I had been vulnerable enough to write it here, honest enough to bleed before everyone that reads this, because in truth I doubt that I have readers that don't know me and love me, and if I do then hopefully you are reading this because my messes encourage you in your journey. so with that I should be honest with you, I should share my joy and my pain and my promises. So I am starting now, with a halfway meaningless post, stating that I will again try harder to share with you the beauty of the journey I am on.

Confession 1 of 2010 - for months I have held onto something God has been asking me to let go of. This week I let it go. I let go in hopes that I will be given what I need to replace it.
Letting go has broken my heart. However, as I think of letting go I am reminded of a time a few months back my friend Scott led my tribe in the Eucharist. he talked about being broken so that we can be healed. It was in Christ's broken body we were given new life, it was in letting go of the promise of a warrior savior that we are able to embrace the gift of a loving sacrifice. when we give up the things we think we need, when we let go of the plans we hold onto, when we allow ourselves to be broken, we are given new life. So this is my new life, and I am grateful for it, even if it hurts. Without sorrow we would never fully understand joy, and without rejection we would never fully appreciate acceptance. In letting go I am able to open to holding something new, Dear Jesus, bring on the new.

Dear 2010 don’t suck

As I scrolled through Facebook statuses I read a friend’s message to 2010: “Don’t suck” and my heart whispered a prayer echoing the sentiment. In reality for me 2009 had ups and down, and the downs were pretty low down. I am not sure that I would say that 2009 sucked, but I do not think I will remember it as a particularly pleasant year. Now don’t get me wrong I would like to say that 2099 sucked. I spend most of the year under employed, 3 months unemployed, 3 other months homeless, my heart broke a dozen times, I experienced rejection after rejection, and to be honest I feel like I spent much of the year in survival mode.

Still, In honesty I might have to acknowledge that it was in fact a good year, in the way that getting a large tattoo is good, it stings for a long time, at moments it really hurts, you bleed and then it itches like crazy for weeks, you have to take care of the thing with pure coco butter (or whatever your tattoo artist recommends) but when it is all said and done you have this beautiful piece of art work that is all yours.

I especially like this analogy as it applies to the tattoo I just got. It is a lotus flower, a Budist symbol of beauty. The flower grows in swamp water and the purity of the flower stands in contrast to its surroundings and in contrast of what it grew out of. It reminds me of the story of our redemption, beauty from adversity and God’s ability to make all things pure. I guess what I am trying to say is I hope that 2009 is redeemed in the lives of everyone I know who struggled through this year. All of the people who lost jobs, or couldn’t find one post graduation, all the people who lost loved ones, or struggled with health, everyone who had to figure out who they were post major life changes, everyone that had to readjust their dreams, I hope for all of us we can look back on this year and see that it was good, painful and challenging, but beautiful.

As stated above the year had some really low downs. Nonetheless was pretty amazing to realize the generosity of friends, to be blessed with the provisions of my Creator, to have a niece and nephew born, to be offered a job with an organization I love, to realize my identity is not in any of the things I thought it was, to learn that I am truly loved by so many people, and quite simply to have actually survived 2009- yeah all of that feels good.

Even with all of this I have to say please 2010, please don’t suck. In fact I am asking you to be awesome. Dear 2010 Be the year of love, be the year of hope, be the year of change, be the year strength, be the year of honesty, of year of faithfulness, of healing, of year of adventure, be the year of dreams come true.

I love advent.

I love the longing for the Kingdom that is here and the Kingdom is coming.

Saturday night and Sunday morning I got to sing Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel. It is my favorite. So I am sharing it here.

1. Oh, come, Oh, come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

2. Oh, come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny;
From depths of hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

3. Oh, come, Thou Dayspring from on high,
And cheer us by Thy drawing nigh;
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

4. Oh, come, Thou Key of David, come
And open wide our heavenly home:
Make safe the way that leads on high
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.