Yearning to leave, needing to stay, and a bigger question

Last night was inspiring. It was one of those discussions that reminds me of a passion that I am holding a bay for a bit longer. Meg Garner shared about her trip to Africa this past summer. She talked about building libraries and little girls in new dresses. As she talked I remembered school girls asking heart breaking questions about how to get their school fees paid for and poverty beyond anything I have ever suffered through. This little spark of passion in my heart remembered everything I desired and longed for, for so many years.

As I watched the films Meg created for us I wondered if my longing to live in the developing world will ever be fulfilled? If I will ever combat hunger and poverty and hopelessness outside of the comfort of my fabulous urban life? If I still believe the gospel is good news worth telling? That last question is really the one that is more than I can wrap my mind around these days.

I am not sure how to explain this. I am not doubting the story of Jesus to transform lives. I am at a loss for how the story of Jesus can best be shared as good news to a world that is physically hungry, to girls that are purposely oppresses, to people who are in slavery. I want to be a preacher, a pastor, and a missionary, but I have to help people be fed, I have to work towards an end to slavery and I have to know if I can tell the story of Jesus as a complete story. How do I tell the good news as Good News?

For much of my life my faith was focused on life after death (after all eternity lasts longer). However, over the past few years I have decided that if the gospel is only good news after you are dead, it isn't good news. I am working towards a faith that is present in this life. To be clear I don't think there is anything wrong with the story of Jesus, it is more the part where I am involved in the telling of it, and my own experience of it that I am sorting through, and the part where I don't think I can rightly be a missionary until I work through it a bit more. Odd, how I thought I was so ready at 18 and 2 weeks shy of 28 I am overwhelmed by doubt.

Funny thing: that is not where I was expecting this blog post to go. I was planning to talk about my wanderlust and my overwhelming desire to travel soon. Oh well, that will be another post. For now I am admitting that I miss the days of excitement about just moving overseas and telling people the good news. The naivete has faded and I miss it.

Something pretty for your Tuesday morning

(photos taken by me, while at Soulflower doing an intern review. Emily hosts a fabulous New Door interns.)

Frida

(A still from the movie just, a depiction of her wedding portrait of them.)

Last night I started watching the movie Frida. I was unable to finish it because my DVD player does not always cooperate with my plans for movie watching, whatever. I was able to get far enough into the film to remember why I am so drawn to this women's work. She is such an intense figure and her love for Diego is heartbreaking. It is shocking to watch a woman love a man that she knows cannot be faithful. I loved her work so much when I saw it at the SFMOMA last year.

So I am posting just a few of her works that I love. To be honest I am not posting some of the ones that I am most drawn to, because they are almost too shocking and heartbreaking for me to circulate here. I know it is odd, but some of her work is just too powerful to not be seen in person, and too intimate to share. Viewing her paintings last year I felt like I was inside her soul and honestly, like I wasn't invited to be there.

I will start with my absolute favorite. I hope you are inspired by her honesty and hopefully someday you will all of her work. It is brutal, and beautiful.

If you desire peace, cultivate justice, but at the same time cultivate the field to produce more bread; otherwise there will be no peace. ~Norman Borlaug from his Nobel Lecture~

I was a moody teenager

I am not sure much has changed.

Anyway, after last night's concert I felt the need to provide everyone who grew up in the 90's a chance to stroll down a depressing memory lane.

Little Black Backpack

I saw these guys at a little show last night. I was so into this song in high school. So fun! I love the random things that happen in my life in San Francisco.

more ship love

(found on froeken lila created by Chatham Girl)

(found on a the blog absolutely beautiful things and you can see more of it at fine little day and buy it at photo wall)
I love ships: the freedom, the adventure, the simple joy they bring to my soul. I am wishing that I could get a ship tattoo, but I will not. Instead I will just look at them, post about them, and maybe draw a few.