I said I would post daily during lent. I would post about the things I was grateful for. To be honest, I hadn't thought about how that commitment would play out if anything bad happened. I didn't think about how writing daily would work when I was grieving or angry. I had thought that finding joy and beauty in the little things would make it all better and I would grow in my relationship with God.

It turns out it isn't that easy.

I don't want to be ungrateful to God for all the truly good things he has done. I will confess I am a bit frustrated with myself for how easily my devotion to God crumbles when I feel God has been unjust, and when I think just maybe he didn't ration out his love the way I think he ought to have.

So, tonight as I think about gratitude: I am grateful that God's love doesn't falter as easily as mine.

Grateful Day 7 or something... I just know I missed a few

Writing about my gratitude feel frivolous and hard today, not because I am not grateful, but because I can't find words strong enough to state how grateful I am and how broken the world is all at the same time.

I am grateful for the opportunity to do work that impacts people's lives, and I grieve that sometimes those lives cannot embrace change.

I am grateful for colleagues who are willing to hold space and think through how we can best create safety for the people we serve.

I am grateful for pastors all over the country that are seeking to live out the Kingdom in their communities.

I am grateful that I serve a God that cares deeply and loves more fully than I love and offers infinitely more grace than I do.

I am grateful for conferences, and adorable hotels, and southern hospitality, and Irish pubs, and friends I have not seen in years, and flights that don't connect so that I end up spending the night in Dallas with an old friend who lives in Africa but is in Texas for a few months.

I am grateful for friends that are able to understand my emotions.

I am grateful for people who are willing to listen.

I am grateful for hope.

Grateful day 2

Source: booklover.tumblr.com via chris on Pinterest

I am grateful for chats with friends, sitting in the car stressing out with people who are honest enough to tell me I am in fact crazy, thinking about why I doubt and why I believe, a work week well done and full of best efforts, a wardrobe of fabulous clothes covering my floor and no one to tell me I need to clean it up, opportunities to learn, late nights followed by early mornings, the chill in the evening air, cheese, chocolate, hot showers, hopeful day dreams, and good books with good coffee.

Whatever is pleasing... think about these things

During Lent I am aiming to be more grateful and to see the gifts of God in all that I am surrounded by. Here is my visual and written account of gratitude for today.

I am grateful for a city filled with flower shops, and for flowers in mason jars and tiny shot glasses that former roommates left behind.

I am grateful for street finds of globes and silly things that have been on my wish list forever, appearing in my life at no cost to me. 

I am so very grateful for my dog Ella, who ran over a mile with me tonight (a feat for a dog with short little legs), and I am grateful for my younger sister who gave Ella a sock monkey for Christmas (it might be her favorite toy!).

I am grateful that I live in a city with clean water and I am able to connect with organizations that want to help others have clean water (Do Good Lab).

I am grateful for a job that allows me to help people pursue the best for themselves and transition out of poverty. 

I am grateful for sunny days and the ability to ride my bike to work.

I am grateful for new friends and growing relationship.

I am grateful for community and places of welcome. (Both City Church and Eucharist are amazing sources of both for me.)

I am grateful for the opportunity to participate in crafting up a wonderful DIY wedding for an amazing couple! (J & N, I love you!)

More than all of this, I am grateful for seasons of my life intended to remind me to reorder my priorities.

"Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Keep on doing the things that you have learned and receivedand heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you."
- Philippians 4:4-9

Murdered Potentials (or reflecting on my day)

"It may be that what you could be haunts you. It is real. It is a weight you have to carry around. Each failure to become, to be, is a weight. Each state you could inhabit is a burden as heavy as any physical weight, but more so, because it weighs on your soul. It is the ghost of your possibilities hanging around your neck, an invisible albatross, potentials unknowingly murdered." Ben Okri

I read this quote this morning and kind of hated how much it felt like my life, but it also stood in odd contrast to the other passage I spent my morning and day reflecting on. 

As Jesus says, “No one can serve two masters, he will always love one and ignore the other” (Matthew 6:24). Our first and final loyalty is to one kingdom: God’s or our own. We can’t really fake it. The Big Picture is apparent when God’s work and will are central, and we are happy to take our place in the corner of the frame.
Because I am a part of the Big Picture, I do matter, and substantially so. Because I am only a part, however, I am rightly situated off to stage right—and happily so. What freedom there is in such truth! We are inherently important and included, yet not burdened with manufacturing or sustaining that private importance. Our dignity is given by God, and we are freed from ourselves!
Adapted from Preparing for Christmas with Richard Rohr, pp. 13-14

You see the first passage has me feeling that I am of epic importance. If I fail I will somehow let all of the world down, because clearly the world needs me to relieve my own soul of the burden of my failure, and I can only do this by becoming who I could be. The second passage has relieves me of the burden of my own importance and allows me to be a participant in God's good work, but I am only a participant. If I fail God will take care of the rest. (To be clear I am not certain either author would love how I have internalized their words.)


Nonetheless, I am not sure that I am saying this two ideas are mutually exclusive or that either is wrong (they both came from daily meditations by Christian websites that I really enjoy). But maybe they balance each other out a bit. You see maybe, I am carrying the weight of murdered potentials - killed by my fear, anxiety, or search for stability, and maybe, I am not so important that I have to carry that weight. Maybe, instead my unmet potential is something that God is already aware of and working in and carrying for me. Further as I am only part of the story, it is likely that other parts of the story are taking on and filling in the gaps left by of my failure. My unmet potential is only part of the work of the kingdom, just as my accomplished potential is also part of the Kingdom and none of that is the point because the Kingdom is the point. My success is not the point, nor is my need to take on the injustice of the world the point,  but God's restoring work in the world, that I get to be part of, is the point. 


So, I am still burdened by my failure to be perfect. I am still haunted by what could be if I could just work a bit harder and do a bit more and take on my next great challenge, and I should be. I am significant to this world and the skills and abilities I have matter, none of them should be abandoned, and I am not let off the hook to cease striving. Still all of those things are only part of the work of the Kingdom, and I am not the point, I am a participant. 

Saturday Evening Post

I have been reading a lot of very good books lately, and I am excited to get back into the habit of posting these. 

Enjoy your Saturday evening.

Waiting

Source: etsy.com via Noell on Pinterest

This is a ramble, a posting on thoughts still undefined
A space to say a thousand things and vaguely nothing, all at once

There is this spark in my soul that is stirring just a bit
just a hint of hope and chaos and longing and need
all wrapped up in things unknown and things unseen
anticipation sneaking up along side preparation
and still
waiting

In recent days and recent chats and recent dreams
hints of everything hoped for
remembrances of everything that ever made the list of all the things I always wanted
like a memory of something that hasn't happened yet
somehow more sure than ever that this isn't it, but it is almost
flickers of permission to want what I want
as if for so long even the wanting was too much
and still
I wait

I am trying to determine how to become who I most want to be
so that I can do what I most want to do
so that I can believe, truly
and still the instructions seem clear
wait

For any of you that know me at all you must know this: waiting makes me anxious and feisty, it also seems to be good for me somehow.