Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Changing my blog

So I feel that I have lost focus. What was once a place to think through living simply in the way of Jesus has become bogged down in emotional drama that I don't even want to share here. This lack of focus often results in post written but not shared. So, I think I will be refocusing. This will probably result in a lack of writing for a while, but please check back soon. (Maybe even tomorrow.)

Sunday, March 28, 2010

I would be a better blogger if I wasn't such a great facebooker...

Sunday, March 21, 2010

yesterday was happy. so freaking full of fun adventure. very soon i will post pics and stories.

Thursday, March 18, 2010


behind walls, in corridors, with doors locked and windows secure
I dare to think I just might sleep, protected from the war
the war of tales told and secrets kept
of dry eyes and tears I wept
of hope that fails to be forgot
of dreams I dreamed and love I lost
on happy days that have gone away before I knew to ask them to stay
like stray strings connected to things that bring both joy and pain
to land untouched by rain
this is the nonsense of the war
I hide away behind closed doors
wanting what I had before
a lie that was neither safe nor secure
a love that fell away or apart you could say
either way it is no more
as I hide away behind closed doors

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

I want to write

I want to tell you that I am learning what it means to be holy. That my experiments are going well and that God is teaching me so much. I want to, but everything that isn't some heartbroken poetic rant feels contrived. So here is my best shot on what God is teaching me as I attempt to slow down and listen.

In the past few weeks I have started to recognize that God's love is entirely other than my own. God's love knows no boundaries and no limits. As a human my love should know boundaries and limits.

I have also recognized that for years as heartbreaking experiences have effected my life I have heard well meaning Christians say that God is trying to help me learn to depend on Him more. In a recent days I feel that God has been letting me know that I am being cared for. I do not have a God that is trying to break me, but one that is trying to hold me. As my lovely friend Chris said this weekend on a hike I was on: that is a different God.

I went on a beautiful hike this weekend with my faith community. I am so grateful to have them in my life. As I hiked I meditated on the words rebuild and be here. I was in a forest that had been logged for the rebuilding of San Francisco post earth quake. As I walked the metaphors were too obvious. Despite feeling like an old growth redwood that had been chopped down, The Creator assured me that my life is the forest not the tree. Moments and experiences of my life are trees being chopped down, but my life is summed up in the forest full of growth and beauty, as well as heart break and pain.

So, maybe I do have a lot to say, it just isn't coming out as clear and poetic as I would like it to. I am learning, growing and healing.

Friday, March 12, 2010

All I want to do is look at pretty photos and rent hotel rooms with girls.
As I glanced at random blogs today I read this phrase and it summed up my life, or at least how I feel about it right now. It also sparked a memory of a summer weekend trip into Dallas (after I had moved out of Dallas). Friends of mine from college had all gotten a room together and we had an amazing night of indulgent fun.

Thinking of that night took my mind to many nights over the past few weeks. These nights have not been full of indulgent fun. However, these nights have been memories in the making. Memories of moments when people have been so completely present with me. These memories do not have photos attached, and were photos to exist they would not be pretty, but the memories are beautiful.

So to all my girls thank you. We need to rent a hotel room soon.

*the above photo is close to 5 years old and it is with Christen and here you can see her beautiful photographs

Monday, March 8, 2010

The Edge

I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center

- Kurt Vonnegut, from his first novel, Player Piano*

I have always been taught to live the opposite of this, but I must confess it is how I long to live and often do live. I love the edge but it is so much harder to not fall over than one might think.

I was taught to avoid the edge in order to avoid sin and pain. Avoiding the edge was how one stayed holy and in holiness I was safe. As I read scripture I see absolutely nothing that supports that teaching. Holiness is dangerous; it is secure but not safe.

Jesus spent 40 days in the desert, hungry and alone, on the edge. He spent his time touching the sin that he came to heal the world of. When he wasn't on the edge he was in the middle of the mess not in the center of security.

We are called to a life of holiness and holiness comes not in the absence of temptation but in overcoming it. Nonetheless, somehow I have to know my limitations of temptation. I have to know that if I was in the desert and hungry, I would turn the stone to bread (if only I knew how). So, my holiness is somehow entirely other from God's. It is a holiness that grows while standing on the edge. It is weak, but willing, and maybe that is the best I have to offer for now.

*confession I have not read this book, my response to the quote comes not at all from the context of the quote, but the sentiment that it invoked in me.

Friday, March 5, 2010

"Lord, may I not so much seek to be consoled as to console..."

There is a prayer posted above my desk at work that I read multiple times a day. Over the past 2 years it has come to mean so much to me as I have often found myself willingly and almost pridefully taking on the role of the victim. "I" have been hurt; "I" have been used; "I" feel like ... The truth is even if a thousand and one I statements are accurate about my life, God has not called me to be a victim. God has created me to be an instrument of peace.

Admittedly, I am lost when it comes to how this plays out.

Follow this blog with bloglovin

Follow on Bloglovin