Wednesday, April 16, 2008

the Diva thing

looking through photos of me in India, it was like I could smell the air, and feel the heat, and i was there again, my life changing with every exhausting moment, with the photos to prove it.
my eyes were tiered, my face was swollen (it is odd to look back on it now because the swelling was a result of the gluten and i didn't even know it) i looked wretched, and yet these pictures are so full of life that i love them, I would display them any where, it is possible that these are some of the most beautiful pictures of me that i know of, and i look exactly how i feel in them, tiered, no makeup, i have been traveling for days and weeks, by all standards of beauty i look bad, but those where the moments that changed my life forever and in each one of the photos I can see a moment when I was alive, moody and sloppy, but alive

just after looking at those pictures i came across others from just after that trip, it was a night out with the girls, again i could remember every bit of that night, decadent food, great wine, goofing off for hours, i spent enough money on food that night to have fed a family in India for at least a month, to have fed me on my current grocery budget for at least two weeks, my make up is perfect, my smile is great, it was a really fun evening, no bags under my eyes, I was with really good friends, i was laughing, it was easy, it was living.

i guess i am just surprised sometimes by how easy it is to miss the moments that shape us and then move back into old habits, and old rules of beauty. it is so easy to move from simplicity into being a diva, after all didn't i earn it, i was so tiered for so long as i traveled i earned a night out with the girls... but if that is the case then how is it that when i see the pictures of me tiered I see so much more beauty in that moment?

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