ramblings on chopping off my hair, Audry, beauty, and romance
Over Christmas I chopped off my hair - for the fourth time.
Each time I was growing more into my self, or asserting that I had completed a growing process; each time I was either in a season of chaos or I had just completed one; each time the 'perfect' look of long healthy hair seemed an ill fit the reality of being me.
The odd thing is I love my long hair. I really, really do. I am kind of blessed with perfect hair. I know that sounds conceited but it is true, my long hair is gorgeous! My natural hair color is envied by many, and my hair does pretty much whatever I want it to. It is shiny without me doing anything to make it that way. When I see old pictures of it I miss it terribly, but it isn't me. In fact my friend Maggie gave me my favorite compliment about my short hair this past Sunday when she looked at me and said "it looks like you."
Ironically, I think that might also be the hardest part; it looks like me. Really short hair has a thing about it that can't really be explained (really long hair has the same, but different effect). Short hair is no nonsense. When I don't like it there is nothing I can do about it. It isn't gracious. It is blunt, and honest, and low-maintenance in a way that says I have better things to do. Short hair is sassy and playful, but it's game is more like a dare than an invitation.
I find it curious that hair reveals so much of the mystery of who a woman is. In younger years long hair felt like naivete, now it feels like pretense.
Short hair is Audry in Sabrina, long hair is Audry in Breakfast at Tiffany's. If you haven't seen these movies: Sabrina is bold, she has strength and dignity. She went to Paris to find herself. Holly is a fragile and crazy mess, her perfect style and adventurous spirit are a facade disguising fact that she really is just waiting on someone to rescue her.
I already miss my long hair. I grew it back after the first two times I chopped it because long hair is beautiful and I want to be beautiful, but every few years I start to feel that for me that beauty is pretense. In my heart of hearts I am Holly Golightly (minus the escort part). I am scattered and fun, chasing adventure, trying all things new, carefree, and deeply passionate. Nonetheless, I am aiming to be Sabrina, full of confidence and direction, with no question about what I want, where I am going and what I am willing to do to get there, fabulously classy, elegant, and daring. I don't want to end up with the playboy at the end of the movie, I don't want to be rescued, I want the man that will get on a boat for me, I want to be the woman that inspires a man to be more than he is without me. I want to walk away and be followed, scratch that, I want a man that will give me a reason to stay.
I dare you.