walking down the beach, with a gate that implied intention and direction
I realized I was not going anywhere
So I slowed down
wearing my flip flops, as I walked along the sand
I realized they were protecting my feet from the feeling of sand between my toes and I did not need or want the protection
So I walked barefoot
running from the waves as they began to splash at my feet
I realized there was no harm in getting wet
So I waded in
Finally I realized that I was moving to fast to enjoy the moment
So I stopped walking
I sank my feet into the sand, sinking deeper with each wave, allowing the water to splash up to my waist - still careful not to get my white t-shirt wet
I realized standing there wet and laughing, cold water rushing up to my knees, looking out at ocean as far as I could see, watching surfers ride the tiny waves, this is life
I spent the morning with the blinds closed sitting in the living room fighting the demons in my head, reviewing job descriptions, pondering the right words for cover letters that I fear will not receive any response, wondering if all my feminist jargon is simply a cover for the fear that I will never be the powerful successful woman I imagine that I am, arguing with the voices of my conservative past that tell me only lazy people can't get jobs, hoping that I am as hard of a worker as I think I am, hoping that I am not a failure, believing that God will provide for me and that this too shall pass.
I spent the morning hiding from the sun and the waves, because my weary soul was too exhausted to even aspire to more than staring at a computer screen dreaming that I might get one of these jobs that I am applying for today. I realized that all this internal conflict was entirely unnecessary and it was not getting me anywhere, if any of you has ever fought with me you know that my arguments are not always rational and this morning my irrational thoughts needed to be silenced for a while.
So I left the house, walked out into the water, breathed in deep, and realized that this is life
It is beautiful, complicated and intense, and as I sat hiding from it this morning I almost missed it.
It was as if God was whispering to me, 'Please don't miss this, these are the moments that will define and shape you, these hard times are the times when you will grow in faith and trust and strength, this is how you become the woman I have created you to be, with each small realization and each change you make in response to my urging, that is how you learn to live. This is life, please don't miss it.'