Sunday, February 7, 2010

my worst

My community spent some time these past few weeks focusing on our shadow self. In short thinking about who we are when we are our worst. Please, do not be concerned this naval gazing was done in balance with the desire to think through how that person is redeemed, and how we can live into our best versions of ourselves, the version that God created us to be. Nonetheless, for a moment I would like to share with you some reflections on my worst.

The worst version of me is a control freak. She controls everything. She has a clear to do list and a way that she wants everything done. At my worst this applies even to God. At my worst I cannot love God unless God is who I want God to be. At my worst I need everything and everyone to be in their place. At my worst my life is full of walls and compartments, boundaries and guidelines, directives and expectations.

So this is a monologue of my worst. Writing this out is an effort to let it go, and change my ways.

I would like to love you from over here
no, not there, here
and I don't mean you over here
I mean me over here
you stay there
no, don't come here

why is this so confusing?
I want to love you from right here
and you stay right there
and we both stay in our proper places
and love each other like this

no, not like that, like this
together, separately
like this
with me here, and you there
no, not there, there

this is highly frustrating
I do not think you are listening
I have a very simple plan
and if you will just do it my way, it will all work out

so let me love you from right here
no, don't come closer
I like you better when you are over there
yes, I know this dialog is exhausting
I realize I am being stubborn
but so are you

just let me do my thing
and I will love you from right here
I don't want to move
don't come closer

this dance we are doing is making me crazy
stop moving
stay still, stand there
not there, there
yes there, now stay

no, I am not talking to you as if you are a dog
I am simply expressing my desire for you to be there
there, just there, so that I can love you
if you move I might not be able to love you
if you come too close it will all get messed up
I like it like this
not like this, but like this

now, please, don't move
I won't be able to love you if you move
and that would be unbearable

Sadly, no relationship (especially not one with God) can survive this regiment. The truth is, even I cannot stay still. In fact many of the times things have felt out of place I was the one the moved them.

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