Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Give it and feel love
Lately I feel like I am constantly taking new risks, making new friends, and allowing my desire to know people to let me be a bit more on the side of pursuit than pursed. I often feel terrified that all of me is too much. Tiny rejections leave me in fear that my friendship is undesired or misread and I am a burden to bear. I hate crying. I buy girly dressed just to stare at them in my closet each morning afraid to wear them for fear that they make me look childish and weak. I hate vulnerability, risk, and shame. I am terribly embarrassed by the idea that I have ever and will ever again have a crush on someone that sees me with nothing but a great deal of respect, but has little to no desire for me. I am equally terrified of pursuing friendship only to have hard times made harder by the reality that I have no idea who to call when I need someone to cry with.
I am surrounded by friends, and being highly respected is worth more to me than being thought of a pretty/desirable. I cannot think of anyone in my life that doesn't speak wisdom and love into everything I do and seek to do. I have amazing people all over the world who love me. So, I have to ask myself: why is that I am constantly chasing more? What is it that I am chasing or holding onto with clinched fists?
I am reading Free of Charge by Miroslav Volf. (I bet no one expected a Zooey Deschenel quote to be followed by a theological reference.) In reading this book I am constantly feeling challenged to accept the gifts of God in order to give them, to be a channel. How can I be a channel of God's gifts if I am afraid of truly experiencing them? The primary gift I am thinking of is God's bountiful love and acceptance.
I also have become a HUGE fan of Brene Brown's work on vulnerability and shame. (Thank you TED talks!) In her first talk she talks about those who experience love are the ones who most believe they are deserving of love. So, my fear of being undeserving of love seems to be the biggest thing blocking me from it, well isn't that just nifty.
I guess this a confession. I am deeply joyful and deeply discontent all at once in my one heart and soul, and it feels about bit overwhelming. Yet somehow, I think that by being fully myself in the world: a bit overwhelmed by both its goodness and its brokenness, and filled with both love and rejection, I am more able to offer love and to give the gifts I have been given. At least that is my hope. It is my hope that even as a am deeply afraid, I can also be courageous to face my fear and offer love. It is also my hope that in doing so, I will inspire others to face their own fear and offer love.
I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. ~Mother Teresa~