too obvious

When I went home to Texas in December I almost stayed- well not exactly, but I was dreaming of how I was going to come back to San Francisco for just long enough to say good-bye.

After flying back into my amazing city on the bay in January I felt sure that God was asking me to stay just a bit longer- and I was not comfortable with that.

Who am I here without my role on the ReIMAGINE staff? Who am I as a faith leader not leading in any faith community? Who I am without a title?

Wait!! Did I really just ask those questions??? Did I, a person who has told many people that they are not defined by their accomplishments and titles, really just ask these questions??

The answer was so easy when I was talking to someone else; as they failed a test; as they received rejection letters from jobs and schools; as they were passed over; as they had to reevaluated their identity.

Still, the too obvious answer went unnoticed for much of the past 3 months as I went without a title.

This time last year I chose to go over 40 days without makeup or jewelry, because I needed to know I was not defined by my adornments. It seems this year I am going a yet determined amount of time with out a title, to teach me I am not defined by a job description.

I don't know how long I will have the joy of living in this place. I do however know that at the very least God is teaching me who I am.

another purposely vague post

Today I found out that a job I want badly does not come with a promise of funding for the program.

I want it anyway.

I am either stubborn beyond reason or passionate beyond rational bounds.

It doesn't really matter to me.

I want it.

now or later

A few months back I watched the movie Shop Girl. (In general the movie was good enough- not great, but not a total waist of my time- I might have liked it more in that moment than I am remembering liking it.) In the movie the heroine of the movie has fallen in love with a man that refuses to love her back. As she comes to this realization she says "So I can either hurt now, or I can hurt later." She chooses now.

I never want to choose now. I don't want later either.

I am not in love. That is not what hurts or is going to hurt. However, I am aware that I can hurt now or later. I am choosing now, or at least I am trying to. I am choosing it, because it is honest. I am choosing it because in reality it is my later. I have run out of time and the hurt has caught up with me.

Hurting now requires that I be present in the reality that I am living in, not in the one I wish for.

Despite the oncoming and present pain I am grateful. My friends are some of the best a person could ask for. Furthermore I know that my Creator is present with me in this.

I hate that this post is so vague- but my point is this:

If your options are to hurt now or later- choose now. In reality it is the only real option you have. It is the option that is truest, it is the option that allows you to show up, and we all need you here.

So I went onto Wordle today and it created this from my blog- so fun!

Connecting all over the place!!

My wonderful boos Vicki just introduced me to Noel from CCDA- such a gracious man.

I am excited to say that I am now throwing off all my weekend plans to attend the training in Walnut Creek this weekend! I am excited!

I will let you know how it goes!

Morality and Holiness

I am currently pondering how it is that I have spent most of my life confusing morality for holiness. Even more I am currently pondering what holiness looks like if it is more than morality.

As part of my community's Experiments in Truth I am supposed to pick 3 experiments to participate in over the next 40 days. As I ponder this task I have come up with a few things I want to address in my life. However I have felt a stirring in my soul telling me that, more than changing some habits, my greater desire is to seek holiness.

The problem is that the more I think about creating a to-do list around the idea of holiness, the more I see that I cannot task out what it looks like to seek holiness.

I know there are a few passages that call me to holiness- specifically ones that say "be Holy, because I am holy." (Lev 11:44; 19:2; 1 Peter 1, just to name two of them) I know that I am called to seek holiness, but when I read of God's holiness as well as Jesus' life and sacrifice- morality seems to be a weak response to seeking holiness. I long for a response to God that is worthy of my Creator.

With that said and without any clear direction as to what this looks like I am going to continue to be moral person; I am also going to try to seek holiness.

As for my experiments:

• I am going to try to get up earlier (my least favorite thing in the world is getting up in the morning) and be more aware of my time. I tend to loose track of what I spend my day doing, and I need to be more aware of this precious life.
• I am giving up meat and sweets for Lent- and reading the Passion narrative daily.
• I am going be intentional about encouraging other people- through notes and phone calls. The goal is to love people deeply and make sure I let them know how much I love them.

They seem really basic and I am having a really hard time getting motivated by them. Who knows, maybe they will surprise me and push me toward the holiness I seek.