for the past 5 months as I have lived in San Francisco every time my older sister told her precious 2 year old daughter that she was going to see someone from the family Emory would ask "and Aunt Sarah?"
Seriously!? break my heart!
My nephew doesn't ask about me, I am not even sure that he knows who I am. I was in Alabama when he was born. I saw him 3 times between August and January when I moved. He doesn't even know me.
I hate that part of chasing after something requires leaving other things behind. I have loved the feeling of looking back and knowing that I was going somewhere new and the things of the past could not tie me down, but I am hating that choosing one future means not choosing another. I will be adventurous Aunt Sarah from a distance. If things stay as they are they will see me a few times a year. That kills me!
I have realized over the past few days that I do in fact love Texas. I will mock it and complain about it to no end for all the days of my life, but I love this place. I love the wide open road. I love the people here. I love Baylor. (in fact I think I am going to come back for homecoming)
So yeah old habits die hard and my bank account is sadly reflecting that it is challenging for me to maintain a simple lifestyle here. I am frustrated every time I throw food scraps in the trash instead of compost, I hate that I can only recycle paper. I have driven my car enough in the past week to melt the polar ice caps single handedly. I am definitely not loving the environment the way I would like.
BUT I get to see my niece as she lunges for me from my sisters arms. I get to watch her consume her first ice cream cone. I get to hold her hand as she walks down the street. I get to hold my nephew and throw him in the air. I get to look into the brightest blue eyes I have ever seen and know that someday he will recognize me.
So yeah there is this huge part of me that wants to be here, and this other part that needs to be there.
I just wrote a paper about faith being the obedience lived out. Faith is how we follow God in the journey that we are being directed towards. Sometimes faith requires that we leave, and other times it requires that we stay. In all of this and above all I pray that I am faithful. My older sister has trusted me to be a spiritual mentor for her daughter as she grows up, as hard as that will be from a distance it will be even harder if I fail to live in faith.