Sunday, June 13, 2010

Hard Days and Rebirth

Waking up at 7 a.m. today was the type of day I like to pretend I don't have. Eyes itching from sadness that cannot be identified, I stayed in bed awake, but unwilling to get up. It took about an hour to crawl out of bed. The warm weekend and my errands beckoned me. In a simple summer dress I hoped my americano would be enough to boost my mood: fail. Waiting for the bus I hoped a call to my sister would sooth the ache: brief reprieve. Roaming the market, met by the array of fresh foods newly in season, I forgot that I was trying to forget something. Riding the train home with my amazing loot was excitement enough to distract me.

(Farmers Market Funness, a.k.a. distraction #1)

Nonetheless, once I was home, it hit again, this pain that I just can't seem to win against. So, I shoved my head phones into my ears, put on praise music, and walked to church. After greeting friends that were there for the second service, I slipped into my seat for the third service. I wanted to leave the entire time. I cannot tell you the torture it was to be in service today, but I will tell you, it was right.

Something crazy is happening with me and God, and it hurts like nothing I can describe. I cry all the time when I pray with people, I can pray at home alone without tears, but I cannot pray with other people without tears, and it is killing me, but isn't that some of the point? I mean isn't death the thing required for resurrection? I know this sounds crazy, and this is not some sadistic desire to be in pain, but I feel like God is doing something completely new in my life. It is hard and I don't understand it.

Leaving church I caught a ride with a Lara. I was grateful to just be with someone that understands so much of my heart in just the brief moments we have been able to connect over the two years I have known her.

Around 2 p.m. Dani came over to help me prepare for our monthly fund raising dinner. We spent hours chopping veggies, sipping wine, and chatting. That girl has an amazing heart, and I really appreciate her.

(Goodies shared with Dani, a.k.a. distraction #2)

By 7 p.m. my home was full of wonderful people that share my desire to serve the San Francisco community and we were sharing in the bounty the farmers market offered me this morning. It wasn't until they left that I remembered that my heart is heavy and aching. I don't think I forgot because I was distracted, I think I forgot because they were helping me hold the weight of this pain.

(Dinner: so much more than distraction.)

I will confess I might cry as I pray tonight, but I am counting today as a good day. It is really great to have so many amazing people that are present in this rebirth.


sweetsong said...

so much love for you.

dani ray said...

aw! thanks girl! I appreciate you so much, and had SUCH a good time with you. Love you! PS I love that picture from dinner, downloading it to my desktop ;)

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