Sunday, August 1, 2010

Hope and Helaing

(I saw this on a screen printed poster yesterday at the Renegade Craft Fair, and when I googled the phrase about bazillion links popped up, apparently it speaks to allot of people. Point being it is my theme for today, and probably for tomorrow. You can buy it here.)

I talk a great deal on this blog about hope and healing. Funny thing is I feel like I am bleeding all over the place on this thing, sneaking in my woes between posts on pretty little things, adventures, and such. Nonetheless, in a very honest conversation with a friend yesterday she looked at me with surprise as she said that she would never guess I was struggling as much as I am. She was surprised because of how joy filled my blog is. Another friend pointed out that I cater this thing to an audience and because of that I hide the truth, just a tad. This is a moment of truth.

I am broken. Not just because this has been a hard year, or because last year and the year before were hard, but just because. I am not saying this with hopelessness that there will never be a good year. Last year was good, and so was the year before, as well as the 25 years that preceded them. They have also all been hard. Just like every other person on the planet, at the moment I feel that I am at the end of my tunnel I find out I have miles to go. Even with this hard truth, I post about the things that make me happy. I post about the little lights I find along the way. I post about the lights I find, because they are helping me admit that I am living in darkness and I am looking for a way out. They are also beautiful reminders that I am not in this tunnel alone (hence 2 lovely readers that were able to tell me the truth about what I write, clearly I have people walking along side me). Even in this darkness there are things that make be blissfully happy. I am surrounded by people who are willing to hold the light for me when I am too exhausted to see it, or even when I am too stubborn in my hopelessness to recognize it.

I am not sure if this is making any sense, but I admit that I am broken and bleeding in hopes that if someone else reading this is broken they will feel less alone. It also makes me feel less alone. I talk about the simple pleasures of life because God has created us as humans with amazing creativity that provides us with the tools to recreate our lives in amazing ways and I am looking to be recreated. I post to remind myself that I believe in hope and healing and joy. I remind myself that I believe it, because sometimes I don't. Sometimes I need something or someone outside of me to help me believe that someday I will find love, that I am as lovable as my friends seem to think I am, that I am a child of God and that my worth comes only from my Creator, and that is more than enough.

I am at war with the lies in my head, but somehow when I write I find the strength to grasp the truth. To all my readers (however many or few you are) thank you for motivating me to write the truth.

We are loved and worthy of love, and all we need is Love.

If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.
C. S. Lewis

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